in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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