Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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