we made out on top of his cat.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
