is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
