Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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