Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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