my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Randomize
