WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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