remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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