Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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