Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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