craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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