i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
