After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
