I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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