I'm so fucking centered right now
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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