So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
