I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
