Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
