i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
