Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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