Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I checked into jail on foursquare
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
