He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
