gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
