dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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