brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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