I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
