We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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