i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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