I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
