I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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