When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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