On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
