can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
