I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
