Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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