If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
