This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
