I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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