K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
