I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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