She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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