eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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