im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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