guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I want her autograph on my taint
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
