Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
