I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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