I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just forgot I was standing up.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
