Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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