I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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