new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
