I'm drive I can fine osifer
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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