Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
