i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
