hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
