my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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