I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
