I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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